The Stages of Grief

The truth is loss affects all of us, and we will all experience death and loss to varying degrees. Perhaps you lost a family member, a close friend, or even an acquaintance. 

In her book, “On Death and Dying,” Swiss American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross explained how grief could be divided into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

While her observations were drawn after years of working with the terminally ill, these stages have also been adapted for those who have experienced loss. Since her book was published in the late 60s, two more stages have been widely accepted, dividing grief into seven stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and processing grief.

1. Shock – The death of your loved one can be shocking—especially for unexpected deaths. However, even anticipatory deaths can cause a shock response. This response protects you from being completely overwhelmed, giving you more time to process the loss. Things like timing and cause of death can complicate your understanding of the reality of your loss. 
2. Denial – Denial is a normal coping mechanism when you experience loss and grief. Denial feels like a numb disbelief of your new reality, and it’s normal for denial to last for many weeks. 
3. Anger – Grief often surfaces as anger, and the heaviness of grief can cause you to have generalized edginess, bitterness, anger, and even resentment. It’s essential to find healthy ways to communicate your pain to avoid hurting those you love.
4. Bargaining – The bargaining phase of grief is when you might say things like, “If only I had called her,” or “I should’ve made him go to the doctor.” Replaying scenarios or second-guessing decisions are very common in this phase of grief, and this can even look like resentment that your loved one didn’t make different decisions. 
5. Depression – As you reflect on your loved one, a deep sadness can overtake you as your loss begins to set in. With the crushing, unpredictable emotions this can bring up, you might find yourself withdrawing and experiencing profound loneliness. 
6. Acceptance – This period of grief does not mean that you have moved on or healed from your loss. Acceptance is when you begin to understand the reality of how loss has impacted your life. This can give way to an appreciation for the time you had or cause you to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.   
7. Processing grief – In this stage, you will find you are more motivated to engage in the healing processes of grief actively. This might look like seeking professional help, engaging in a healthier lifestyle, or expressing your grief creatively.

Regardless of what stage of grief you find yourself in, remember there is no formula for how you grieve the loss of your loved one. Grief is not a linear process; you may jump all around throughout the grief stages. This is normal, and you are certainly not alone. The key is finding healthy coping mechanisms and getting the support you need as you wade through the various waves of grief.