The Bargaining Stage of Grief

Since the release of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ book, "On Death and Dying," the five stages of grief have become more familiar: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, of the five stages, the bargaining stage may be the least understood.

The bargaining stage of grief has many signs and symptoms, such as:

• Feeling guilty – You may find that you’re feeling incredibly guilty since the death of your loved one. This could be over their cause of death or the state of your relationship with them at the time. You may also find yourself replaying what you could have or should have done differently in the days, months, or years leading up to their death.
• Replaying events – You may be replaying events in your mind and what could have or should have happened in order to prevent the death of the person you love.
• Fear, insecurity, and anxiety – After your loved one passes away, you may find that you feel fearful of other bad news or others in your life passing away. You may also find that you are feeling generalized anxiety (butterflies in your stomach or loss of appetite). 
• Feeling responsible – When someone you love dies, you may begin to blame yourself and place the responsibility for their death on yourself.
• Overthinking – This is when your thinking may begin to cycle through all the scenarios of “If only I had done this, that wouldn’t have happened.”
• Self-improvement – The death of someone you love could be giving you a new perspective, causing you to do some self-assessments and work towards improvement, sacrificing more time, energy, and resources.
• Negotiating with a higher power – You may begin trying to negotiate with a higher power to change the reality of your circumstances. 

Bargaining is a very normal response in the processing of grief. You may or may not linger in this stage very long. The key to this stage is to give yourself grace and try not to be so hard on yourself. Grief looks different for everyone, and the timeframe of each stage is completely unique to each individual.  

Focus on your perspective. Begin to share your thoughts with friends and family who love you and will walk through your loss with you. They can help you align your thoughts with reality. You may also find that the bargaining stage is the right time to seek counseling from a licensed professional. 

However you decide to handle it, determine to do the work to engage your grief. Stay in the present rather than going back in time and cycling through what should have happened. This will help you work towards acceptance of the loss of your loved one—which is not the same as moving on. Acceptance will help you move towards gratitude and eventually even cause you to become hopeful again.