The Anger Stage of Grief

C.S. Lewis once wrote, “I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.”

When you lose someone you love, the emotions can be so overwhelming. Communicating how you’re doing, what you’re feeling, or what you need can be incredibly difficult. Sadly, anger is often the easiest emotion to express in the throes of great grief. 

If you’re walking through grief, the assumption is that the anger stage looks like outright rage. However, that’s not always the case. The anger stage of grief looks different than you might think. 

Here are a few signs that you or someone you love is in the anger stage of grief.

• Generalized edginess – If you’ve recently lost a loved one, you might notice that you’re generally just edgier. Your responses are quicker, your patience is thinner, and your words and responses are sharper. Often there’s nothing specific that you’re angry about. This is all a normal part of the grief journey as you process all your loss. 
• Bitterness – The anger stage of grief can also come out as bitterness. Bitterness often develops when you feel the loss of your loved one is unfair. You may find that your attitude and speech become cynical or pessimistic. 
• Anger – If you feel blindsided by your loss, the overflow of these emotions can be anger. If you try to suppress your pain, it will inevitably manifest in saying or doing things you ordinarily wouldn’t. Anger often comes about as we seek to control something when everything else feels out of control. 
• Betrayal – Feelings of betrayal can come about if you discover something previously unknown about your loved one. You can also feel a deep sense of betrayal by God, or by the circumstances that led to the loss. 
• Resentment – You may develop feelings of resentment if you’re angry with the person who passed away or those you might blame for the death of your loved one. 
• Revenge – If you feel someone is to blame for the loss of your loved one, you may have feelings of wanting revenge. At the root, thoughts of revenge often develop when you want someone to feel the pain you feel. 
• Feeling guilty – You may go through a season of guilt when someone you love passes away. This could be because you feel as though you could’ve prevented the loss. Guilt can also manifest as a result of the state of your relationship with them at the time of their death. 

It's important to remember that anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Because everyone is different, your grief process will be unique to you. It’s all a way of expressing the intense emotions that come with loss and your deep love for those who have passed away. The goal in all of it is to find and maintain healthy ways to express anger. Directing it toward oneself or others can be harmful, unnecessary, and destructive. Seeking the help of a licensed professional can help you find healthy ways to express what you’re feeling. As you move your way through grief remember that it’s not a linear process, and you may revisit this stage again before moving on to other stages.