Remarks to Avoid Saying to Someone Grieving the Loss of Their Mother

Death is hard. Often, we find ourselves uncomfortable with the outward grief expressions of others and want to say something to ease the pain of those mourning. But the truth is, grief is messy and uncomfortable. There’s a tension and mystery with grief. As we come alongside those suffering the loss of their mother, how can we know what’s helpful and avoid what’s hurtful? 

Below is a list of inappropriate or insensitive statements that should be avoided as we engage those in their grief.

• "At least she lived a long life." Remember that the length of years a person lives doesn’t determine or even minimize the pain of those who grieve. 

• “At least she passed quickly.” The time it takes for someone to pass away does not indicate that the grief journey will be any easier. 

• “She wouldn’t want you to be sad.” While this may come from a place of love and concern, it leaves the griever with an implication that their sadness is displeasing to the one who passed away and could even cause undue guilt.

• "It's time to move on and get over it." Grief is messy and uncomfortable. Loss is not something to move on from or get over. It begins a new learning journey to live without the people we love. It’s insensitive to put a timeline on their healing. 

• "You should be grateful for the time you had with her." It’s a normal human response to want more time with our loved ones after they pass away. And it’s certainly not an indicator that someone isn’t grateful for the time they had. 

• "I know how you feel; my goldfish died last week." No matter how much you love a pet, losing a parent or loved one could never compare. 

• "It's not that bad; you still have other family members." Because each life is unique, grief will also be unique to each relationship. Stating the obvious about their family size won’t help ease the significant loss they are feeling.

• "She's in a better place now." This statement could be insensitive to those who may not hold religious beliefs about life after death. 

• "You'll find someone else to take care of you." While the work of a mother may be able to be replaced in part, the bond and relationship of a mother could never be replaced. 

• "You should be strong for your family." This undermines the truth that it’s ok not to be ok. We don’t always have to be strong; sometimes, people need real. When we share what’s hard, it’s relatable and often adds a much-needed human element to the painful times in life. 

Remember, your presence is more important than your words. Simply saying, “I see your pain, and I’m so sorry,” will be much more sincere and appreciated than a poorly-timed, dismissive, or insensitive comment.

If you want to dig deeper into this topic and discover ways to help those you love, Nancy Guthrie has written a book called What Grieving People Wish You Knew. Through the heart-wrenching pain of losing two young children, Guthrie gives her readers an honest look into the pain of loss and practical insight into how we can help those we love.